Praying from the Spleen (Part 1)
Not too long ago and after a stretch of several miserable days, I had a long solitary drive to think and pray. By accident, I think I stumbled upon something transformational. I just started talking to God about everything. I told him everything I was feeling and thinking. I didn't censor myself in anyway or try to say "the right things." I was just eviscerating to the Lord. After about 10 minutes of that I heard myself saying something I'd never said before - as I said it, it was literally like garbage started erupting out from deep with in me. I started to cry uncontrollably and actually had to slow down and pull the car over. I have no idea how I came around to it, but what I heard myself saying was, "I hate myself! I hate myself!" That was, or is a very deep issue within me, going back a very long way. For the past 15 years or more I've dealt with big regrets, things I've done or said to people come slithering back into my mind, with lured detail and vivid pictures of people being wounded by my words. In an instant I saw how self-hatred has colored nearly everything I've done and said for most of my life.
At first I thought, "Okay God, now I know what my problem is, but I don't know what you want me to do about it!" I've since realized that this is what he wants me to do about it, acknowledge it and tell him about it. It's like Adam being forced to talk to God after he'd eaten the forbidden fruit. God made him confess, "I was naked and ashamed so I hid myself from your sight." I think just the willingness to separate enough time to talk to God until we finally break down to gut-level honesty is all he needs to correct the mistakes we've made and purge the ugliness we've been carrying.
I can't tell you how good it feels to be able to say, "I hate myself." It is totally liberating. I know that I'm in a process of healing and recovery. Everything is different! I haven't thought back to those old scenes of regret since that car ride. I'm not having anywhere near the same battles with anger that I used to have. I see people and relationships so much differently too. In fact, I got out my Blackberry and emailed several people as I was driving, just to make things right between us. I just saw myself, my reactions, my thoughts, my motives for what they were for the first time. My self-loathing caused me to do things and say things in hopes that people would like me - not such a bad thing on the surface - but I was always trying so hard to be the best me I could be, not letting any of the me that I hated to come out. That's not grace. Trying our best to be our best is never what God had in mind.
A good friend of mine wrote this in an email to me:
I can see now how I have tried to hide those things from everyone - even God (which seems so ridiculous to say out loud). I mean, why would I think I could HIDE anything from God? But I know that even when I pray I censor myself. I know those "attitudes" of mine are wrong and I guess I figured God would be displeased- so I definitely didn't want to flaunt it in front of him.....besides, that would be like a "negative confession" in church speak.I completely understand feeling compelled to censor yourself in prayer. I also get the hiding from God part. It's not that we think he somehow doesn't see how things really are, I think we believe that he'll be more happy with us for "being strong" and "staying faithful" no matter how things really are. So instead of saying, "Lord, this is bull$%@! I'm totally hurt or offended," or whatever. We say, "Lord I know I'm supposed to forgive and walk in love, blah, blah, blah." We think he'll be proud of us for burying our true feelings under a pile of religion, but that's not what he says. Isaiah 43:26 he says, "Let us contend together; state your case, that you may be acquitted."
I love the use of the word, "Acquitted." That means that I'll walk away free, no more handcuffs, no more having to answer for myself before a judge and jury, no more trial, no more evidence being exposed and displayed, nothing to be held over my head in the future - acquitted! That's why we can't censor ourselves in prayer. Even using the word "prayer," makes it sound too official. Really I mean eviscerating. Opening up the hideous doors to the secret-me that I've never talked to anyone about. Now, I'll interject at this point: there are certainly some things that we should not discuss with other people. God does say, "Let US Contend together.” I'm still learning where that line is. In my case, I have a tendency to push the envelope because I hope to be able to help someone else that might be dealing with similar stuff.
Let me summarize: Pour your guts out to God. Don't pray, commit hara-kiri! You'll know when you're doing it right because It doesn't come from your head or even your heart - it comes from your spleen. Second, don't carry the expectation that victory means never feeling “this way” again. Victory means feeling this way without all the pain and sadness and embarrassment, plus having new tools to deal with the feelings.
Scott Bane
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