You Don't Just Die... They Kill You
Jesus said so much that I seem to want to overlook. I mean, I don't want to want to over look his words - I just do. Serving is losing your life. Period.
My feelings on all this stuff are so deep - I don't usually write or talk about things until I've spent significant time meditating and searching my own heart for the words. I'm trying something new and feeling this out through "talking" this time. I guess that I always wanted to define what it would mean for me to give up my life. I wanted to be the one to determine when, how, where and by whom it would happen. I could wear the badge, so to speak, because I had "willingly given my life" in the service of others. My way would be to do the things that I am good at and the things that I enjoy and then do them with all my heart and with all my strength. I would take the areas of my gifting and I would pour myself out in service to others through the use of those gifts. Sounds good, right? Someone emailed me about my previous post with some measure of concern. This friend of mine was concerned that I might be really messed up about my view of either using or not using our gifts. Let me say it this way:
For me, the idea is not to be able to use my gifts. I must be willing to be used as a gift. Ephesians 4:11 says that Jesus gave some people to the church as gifts, not so that they could use their gifts. "He gave some to be..."
I am coming to the realization that Jesus and I have drastically different ideas about what it means to lose one's life. Think about John. He has such a great line, a statement that I thoroughly believe was inspired by the Holy Spirit. He spoke of Jesus when he said, "I must decrease that he might increase." Awesome. John has absolutely the correct attitude. John has the heart of a servant. But what happens to John next? He gets arrested, does a significant stretch in prison until his gruesome execution. It seems clear that while John was in prison, he became severely discouraged and even offended by his situation. I can relate to John. I want to be able to say that I'm ready to decrease and for Jesus to increase and then that be the end of it. I want God to look down at me and say, "Hey, this guy gets it. He understands that it's not about him. He has the right attitude." I want to do all that and I want God to consider that me giving up my life, or dying to myself.
Now think about Jesus. He is betrayed by one of his friends. He is forsaken by the rest of them. He is misunderstood and wrongly accused by his peers - the other religious leaders of the day. He is beaten and crucified as if he were a violent criminal. His life is taken from him, yet if you ask him, that's not the way he describes it. He says, "No one takes my life from me. I willingly lay it down."
What I'm detecting from these two examples is that the "right attitude" does not come first. John had everything right and then when his life actually was taken from him - when he actually did begin to decrease - he seems to have trouble with it. Emptying me of my life is the only way to make room for Jesus' life. And the when, where, how and who to the losing of my life is absolutely NOT up to me. It is entirely held in the nail-printed hands of Jesus. But honestly, I'm not complaining... at least not anymore. I'm rejoicing. I'm filled with hope. I know that Jesus is with me.
"What are these wounds on your hands and on your feet?" "These are the wounds that I have suffered in the house of my friends."
Scott Bane
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Okay, this is just some doggone good stuff!
It's a lot to process and think about, that's for sure! I appreciate your openess and willingness to 'talk' this process out with us. I really long for people to be real and walk stuff out in transparency without waiting until they have the victory. It helps me way more when someone does that instead of just telling me what they went through (as in past tense.) To me it's more of a testimony to see someone walk through it.
At the ACSI conference yesterday, the regional director for the Early Ed program changed up the scheduling, and instead of having a teaching session, she felt led to just have people share what they're going through. She started by sharing some very difficult personal issues she's going through. Others shared, and then we prayed together. By the end of the hour, I was crying. It felt so good and right to be with so many different believers from different regions and backgrounds, yet all being open and there for each other. It was awesome!
Thank you for sharing. This is truly thought and prayer provoking. I really enjoy when you share what you have learned or what you are learning, it is inspiring.
Pastor Scott...Where are you????
Hello?
Um, we are starting to worry...I hope you're feeling better.
I'm beginning to give up hope that we will ever hear from you again. No pressure or anything.