So Cold
We spent Thanksgiving back home, in Northwest Indiana. It was great to be back. I couldn't have imagined spending Thanksgiving anywhere else. I had been fantasizing about my Uncle Terry's spicy rub on the turkey for a month. It did not disappoint. The journey north from Florida illustrated what a warm-weather wus I have already become. Just about 6 months of perpetual warmth and I was already acclimated. Getting out into the wind at Midway Airport put a chill in my bones that didn't fully depart until I got back to Tampa.
I've been pretty philosophical about this recently. My experience with the cold is quite a parable for the way I have been feeling spiritually. While in Chicagoland again, once the cold hit me I couldn't get rid of it. We would go into a restaurant after having come in from the cold. I could feel the warmth all around me but it wasn't penetrating. I was still cold all over and the warmth was just an exterior sensation - it didn't have any real impact on my internal temperature. What bothered me even more was that I knew in my head it wasn't all that cold. It probably got into the mid 30s, not bad at all for late November around Lake Michigan. I kept telling myself, "This isn't that bad! Stop being a baby... you used to live here, not to mention 4 years in Minnesota!" It didn't matter. I was cold no matter how unreasonable it was.
I've been feeling spiritually "cold" for a while now, and it has been just like this physical cold sensation. Before going on, I have to say, this is not a complaint. I truly believe that these "seasons" are a part of growing. I have certainly been experiencing the goodness and the grace of God. It's just that it has all been like coming in from the Indiana cold. I feel the goodness and grace of God as an external event - not something that is pulsing from within me. Just like I knew all the right things to tell myself about the temperature during Thanksgiving, I know exactly what to tell myself about the presence of the Lord. He is with me no matter what I feel. I believe that with all my heart. But I really don't feel His presence as an internal warmth like I always have before. None of my "old tricks" work, and I have a real sense that this is the point. I want to enter this new territory in my relationship with Jesus. It seems to be taking a long time and no amount of reason on my part is bringing Him closer.
I read the journal of Mother Teresa where she described a period of nearly 5 years in which she never got the sense of God's presence. She never stopped. She never gave up praying, calling on and hoping for the presence of the Spirit. I'll follow that example, but Oh God, please don't let this go on for 5 years.
Scott Bane
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Reader Comments (4)
Wow. This is something I can completely relate to, but don't think I ever could have put it in such a perfect parable. Thank you.
Steph
I have been there as well, and as I recall, you were the one to share the exact thing you wrote with me. This is a season. You will learn and grow in it. And being a 'season', it will not last forever. Now I feel bad that I've been frustrated with no new posts here. Sorry. I know how hard it can be during these times. I wish I had gotten the opportunity to at least talk to you and Sheryl a little while you were here. Oh well, next time.
You are right it is a season and as long as we keep going, the growth and learning is there! Take everything as learning and do not stop! I find your honesty so refreshing. You are not trying to be something, you are somebody with real dreams, desires, hurts, successes, failures and true sense of living life and living here in the now! Thank you Thank you! A truly touching post. Keep on keepin on................
Ok, your wife's back in the game. Come on, Pastor Scott, we miss your thoughts here in IN.