Entries from November 1, 2007 - December 1, 2007
So Cold
We spent Thanksgiving back home, in Northwest Indiana. It was great to be back. I couldn't have imagined spending Thanksgiving anywhere else. I had been fantasizing about my Uncle Terry's spicy rub on the turkey for a month. It did not disappoint. The journey north from Florida illustrated what a warm-weather wus I have already become. Just about 6 months of perpetual warmth and I was already acclimated. Getting out into the wind at Midway Airport put a chill in my bones that didn't fully depart until I got back to Tampa.
I've been pretty philosophical about this recently. My experience with the cold is quite a parable for the way I have been feeling spiritually. While in Chicagoland again, once the cold hit me I couldn't get rid of it. We would go into a restaurant after having come in from the cold. I could feel the warmth all around me but it wasn't penetrating. I was still cold all over and the warmth was just an exterior sensation - it didn't have any real impact on my internal temperature. What bothered me even more was that I knew in my head it wasn't all that cold. It probably got into the mid 30s, not bad at all for late November around Lake Michigan. I kept telling myself, "This isn't that bad! Stop being a baby... you used to live here, not to mention 4 years in Minnesota!" It didn't matter. I was cold no matter how unreasonable it was.
I've been feeling spiritually "cold" for a while now, and it has been just like this physical cold sensation. Before going on, I have to say, this is not a complaint. I truly believe that these "seasons" are a part of growing. I have certainly been experiencing the goodness and the grace of God. It's just that it has all been like coming in from the Indiana cold. I feel the goodness and grace of God as an external event - not something that is pulsing from within me. Just like I knew all the right things to tell myself about the temperature during Thanksgiving, I know exactly what to tell myself about the presence of the Lord. He is with me no matter what I feel. I believe that with all my heart. But I really don't feel His presence as an internal warmth like I always have before. None of my "old tricks" work, and I have a real sense that this is the point. I want to enter this new territory in my relationship with Jesus. It seems to be taking a long time and no amount of reason on my part is bringing Him closer.
I read the journal of Mother Teresa where she described a period of nearly 5 years in which she never got the sense of God's presence. She never stopped. She never gave up praying, calling on and hoping for the presence of the Spirit. I'll follow that example, but Oh God, please don't let this go on for 5 years.
Scott Bane
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