Jesus said so much that I seem to want to overlook. I mean, I don't want to want to over look his words - I just do. Serving is losing your life. Period.

My feelings on all this stuff are so deep - I don't usually write or talk about things until I've spent significant time meditating and searching my own heart for the words. I'm trying something new and feeling this out through "talking" this time. I guess that I always wanted to define what it would mean for me to give up my life. I wanted to be the one to determine when, how, where and by whom it would happen. I could wear the badge, so to speak, because I had "willingly given my life" in the service of others. My way would be to do the things that I am good at and the things that I enjoy and then do them with all my heart and with all my strength. I would take the areas of my gifting and I would pour myself out in service to others through the use of those gifts. Sounds good, right? Someone emailed me about my previous post with some measure of concern. This friend of mine was concerned that I might be really messed up about my view of either using or not using our gifts. Let me say it this way:

For me, the idea is not to be able to use my gifts. I must be willing to be used as a gift. Ephesians 4:11 says that Jesus gave some people to the church as gifts, not so that they could use their gifts. "He gave some to be..."

I am coming to the realization that Jesus and I have drastically different ideas about what it means to lose one's life. Think about John. He has such a great line, a statement that I thoroughly believe was inspired by the Holy Spirit. He spoke of Jesus when he said, "I must decrease that he might increase." Awesome. John has absolutely the correct attitude. John has the heart of a servant. But what happens to John next? He gets arrested, does a significant stretch in prison until his gruesome execution. It seems clear that while John was in prison, he became severely discouraged and even offended by his situation. I can relate to John. I want to be able to say that I'm ready to decrease and for Jesus to increase and then that be the end of it. I want God to look down at me and say, "Hey, this guy gets it. He understands that it's not about him. He has the right attitude." I want to do all that and I want God to consider that me giving up my life, or dying to myself.

Now think about Jesus. He is betrayed by one of his friends. He is forsaken by the rest of them. He is misunderstood and wrongly accused by his peers - the other religious leaders of the day. He is beaten and crucified as if he were a violent criminal. His life is taken from him, yet if you ask him, that's not the way he describes it. He says, "No one takes my life from me. I willingly lay it down."

What I'm detecting from these two examples is that the "right attitude" does not come first. John had everything right and then when his life actually was taken from him - when he actually did begin to decrease - he seems to have trouble with it. Emptying me of my life is the only way to make room for Jesus' life. And the when, where, how and who to the losing of my life is absolutely NOT up to me. It is entirely held in the nail-printed hands of Jesus. But honestly, I'm not complaining... at least not anymore. I'm rejoicing. I'm filled with hope. I know that Jesus is with me.

"What are these wounds on your hands and on your feet?" "These are the wounds that I have suffered in the house of my friends."

Developing my discoveries about this great book I am reading is going to have wait, at least one installment anyway.  I have come on to something much more urgent and maybe some of the things that I have needed recently will resonate with you.  Jesus was so crystal clear - maybe too clear.  He was so clear that it is very easy to miss the weight of what He said, at least that's what I did.

"Whoever desires to be great among you must become the servant of all."

I am embarrassed by how far I allowed myself to slide from this way of living.  Somewhere along the way it must have snuck into my head that Jesus actually wants us to "go for our dreams," and "use our gifts."  I can't articulate this as well as I want to, but try to open your heart to the sneaky deception of the above trite, Christian sayings.  That thinking is a trap!  Jesus' life says "give expecting nothing in return."  Jesus' life is one that prefers the needs of others ahead of his own.  The question really comes down to:  Which life do I really want, mine or HIS?

So when I actually decide to follow Jesus the next question I ask is:  How do I gain access to this life of Jesus that I know is in there?  How do I stop reacting and snapping and copping a bad attitude?  It's not will power; I have proven that.  Well, this part is in process, but the short answer is that I must be making a greater investment in the Spirit than I am making in my flesh.

This is what I'm meditating on right now.  To use the King James language, sowing to the Spirit instead of sowing to the flesh.

This book is such raw inspiration to me.  The subtitle caught me while looking around my favorite section of Borders: Special Operations and the Destiny of Nations, from Achilles to Al Qaeda.  This is the book I always wanted someone brilliant to write!  As usual, my reading of it has transcended my interest in special operations and is deeply impacting my thoughts on church, specifically church planting.

For starters, the notion of the book is to analyze the way special operations forces (even before they were officially given that name) have shaped and changed history.  This is what I want out of a church plant.  I really believe that a relatively small, committed group of intense individuals can shake a city and redirect its destiny.  Having a church, leading an organization, preaching every weekend, these things really did (and do, to some degree) have a wooing effect on me.  But that has been changing over the past several months.  I don't want to make a living a "pastor;" I want to raise the dead.

More specifically though, this book is saying the things about military special operations that I believe about this culture and its need for something radically different than the church it has been offered.  On page 21 Leebaert writes, "The special operation keeps testing the limits of familiar procedure..."  and further down the page, "It is not only distinct from the standard military practices of its time but runs contrary to many of the principles on which commanders... place prime importance."

This is exactly where I am in my thinking on church plants.  I'm reading some books about it (since I'm actually part of one, why not read up, right?) and there is nothing wrong with any of them.  But... no offense to any of the authors... I'm finding them all very ho-hum.  Lots of different ideas about how to get people to come to us.  About how to hold on to them once they come to us.  About how to get them to do what you want them to do after they have come to us.  Now, before going any further, let me assert with the greatest of emphasis: I don't know any better and I don't have any other ideas either!  But right now, I'm asking the Holy Spirit to put me into a church planting academy.  I want to be part of a brash band of commandos that plunge deep into enemy-held territory, against amazing odds and do such irreparable damage that the destiny of a city is altered forever.  That's church planting.  Thank God for this book!  It is inspiring me to dig into what He wants from me and how He wants the kingdom delivered to this world. 

I hope you don't get bored with this book because if you read this website, you're going to be getting a browser-load of it.

Tonight I took Ben to soccer practice.  Luke came with us while Sheryl and Ethan did some grocery shopping.  Ben is so fun to watch at soccer.  He's not very aggressive but he wants to do what his coach tells him to do so badly that he will get in there and mix it up.  I can always tell that he is trying his very best.  I love that about him.  He is really trying.  I get a kick out of watching him because I have such vivid memories of my own YMCA soccer days.  It never occurred to me (as a child, back then) that all these coaches that seemed to know everything about everything were volunteers.  They were the dads of other kids, giving their time so that we could have an organized game and learn how to play sports.  When I was a little guy, I played everything at "the Y."  My brother Mark and I were on the same soccer team for a while and Mark, correct me if I'm wrong, but we were really good, weren't we?  I seem to remember that we were undefeated one year...

Watching Ben experience all this for the first time is such an overwhelming joy.  It has all the joy of fond memories of my own childhood, but so much more than that is just seeing him alive.  I watch him goof around with the other kids, laugh and make other kids laugh - he's having his own little life outside of me.  I get to watch it.  Luke is playing T-ball and I'm the assistant coach on his team.  There is already one little boy on his team that I have kind of latched onto.  He doesn't seem to have what I consider a great home life.  I remember all the guys who were going through God-knows what when I was a kid, but put all that aside to herd a bunch of 5 year olds, trying to turn them into some kind of team.  It's almost silly, but I feel truly honored to be coaching on this team.  My old coaches are still giants in my mind.  I'll never forget those days.

I am so grateful to the people that are giving up their evenings and their Saturday mornings to invest a little something in my children.  Who knows if my boys will even grow up wanting to play sports, but I can see all over their faces how much they are enjoying this life so far.